Archive for the 'death flies a battlecruiser' Category



Four wardecs at the moment. Four. Plus at least one troll thread on the official EVE forums about how Eve Uni wardecs innocent mining corps and regularly fields 70-pilot battleship fleets smattered with T2 frigates, which, um.

In the interests of honesty and fair disclosure, I present this sekrit document from Eve Uni’s own forums, dated several years back and lovingly resurrected every few months since. Behold, our tactics!

How EVE University fights their wars
by Patri Allin

How we fight a war –
We form a Grand Blob with 3 people who have been to lots of wars, 20 people who have just taken the tackling class, 5 people who are wondering what a ‘TS’ is, and 1 person who is so new they think this is part of the tutorial. It takes us 10 minutes to figure out if we are a ‘tackler’ or an ‘EW’, and we haven’t even left the station yet.

We find the enemy. As Leader #1 ‘calls a primary’ 4 people put their vote in gang chat, then Leader #2 says ‘Jam that guy’ and somewhere someone stands up from their computer and starts to do the ‘Hammer’, And although nobody ever quite realizes this is what happened, Leader #3 has already been podded by 5 of our own guys who are now super excited they killed an enemy Battleship.

After the dust clears we’ve got 5 people left – shot 5 of the enemy (net loss 45) and for us this is a MASSIVE FREAKIN VICTORY! It is too cause our ships cost 1mil each and thiers about 200. We try to remember which way is home and then fly off in the wrong direction as somewhere nearby, sitting in their pod in a station, someone is thinking this is the best tutorial in an MMO ever.


On the other hand, if you *do* take an army to Rancer…

Eve Uni got wardecced last week, for the first time in a while. Cue the clamouring warcries of hundreds of bloodthirsty new pilots rushing off to fit their cheap PvP ships, because everyone’s allowed out on fleet ops and many of us like to make stuff go boom.

Since everyone’s welcome, uni fleets tend to be pretty big. The first fleet that formed immediately after the war went live got so big that the FC closed it without being able to take everyone, and many of us were left in stations, to wave handkerchiefs from windows at the departing fleet and glumly polish our autocannons. It wasn’t long, though, before another fleet formed up, and with lots of “*\o/* REJECT FLEET REPRESENT!” we headed out to find some fun.

I’m not entirely sure how the next bit played out, but it went something roughly like this:

1) Fleet #1 tries to find war targets. War targets do not want to play.
2) Fleet #1 gets bored of waiting around stations for war targets to undock, heads out to lowsec to see if any pirates want to fight.
3) Pirates – specifically, the pirates who smartbomb defenceless shuttles, w0e – decide to lie in wait for Fleet #1 along the way, and massacre them with a big battleship gatecamp.
4) Fleet #1 jumps into system.
5) Pirates jump on Fleet #1.
6) Fleet #2, arriving just in the nick of time, jumps on pirates.
7) This happens.

Best first fleet experience ever.


Stupid stuff I have done in EVE, part 1 in a series of many

The other day, set up a new character as a miner. The idea is that she’ll sit in a station training skills for 40+ days with me just logging in to adjust her training queue, until she can fly a Hulk, at which point I’ll transfer her to my main account and no asteroid will be safe ever again.

That was not the stupid thing. The stupid thing follows.

I’d transferred some money from my main account to the miner, so she could buy some implants and skill books, and here’s where things went wrong. Skillbooks were easy enough – they’re a set price at the newbie station where my aspiring miner was based. Implants, on the other hand, were a lot more expensive and worth shopping around for. So:

Step 1: Search market for +3 Memory implant.
Step 2: Find +3 Memory implant fairly cheap two jumps away. Buy it.
Step 3: Search market for +3 Intelligence implant.
Step 4: Find +3 Intelligence implant fairly cheap at another station in the same system. Buy it. Feel smug.
Step 5: Search market for +3 Perception implant.
Step 6: Doorbell rings. WOOHOO INCOMING PIZZA!
Step 7: Collect pizza, garlic bread, potato wedges. Start munching into pizza while absently looking through market browser.
Step 8: On mental autopilot, select cheapest price available and click buy before brain can catch up with fingers screaming NOOOOOOOO, and…
Step 9: Uh-oh.

Buying the cheapest item in a region is not necessarily a bad thing, but buying the cheapest item in a region without checking the location of said item first is Not Wise. I brought up the assets tab to find out where my new expensive implant was, and…

Great. It’s 16 jumps away.
Great. It’s 16 jumps away in lowsec.
Great. It’s 16 jumps away in lowsec in Rancer.

Rancer is a lowsec system on what would otherwise be a major trade route between the trade hubs of Jita and Hek. Since Rancer is a bottleneck system – one way in, one way out – and since a lot of people doing the Hek-Jita run don’t know better than to avoid it, Rancer is almost permanently occupied by opportunistic pirates who want your blood. You do not go into Rancer to shop unless you are planning to bring an army.

(Pod kills in Rancer in the last 24 hours. Dangerous? You think?)

I did not have an army. I had a newbie ship, a six-week training plan, and a 10-million isk implant sitting in the middle of doom.


Well, the good news was that I didn’t have much to lose by going to get it. I could (and probably would) lose my ship, but it was a newbie ship, they’re free anyway; I could (and probably would) get podded and wake up a clone vat, but hey, no implants, no big loss. And if I didn’t manage to get the Rancer implant, or got it but immediately lost it by having my pod blown up, well, then I’d be right back where I was now. Literally, thanks to the clone vat. DEATH AND/OR GLORY! I swapped the newbie ship for a shuttle (more agile, still cheap) and set off.

Uneventful highsec system followed uneventful highsec system, and on, and on, until lowsec Crielere – Rancer’s evil little sister. Crielere was fairly quiet, although the names in local featured far too many little outlaw skull-and-crossbones icons for comfort, and the gate into Rancer was littered with wrecks. Tempting though it was to stop off and do some looting (hey, they’ll shoot on sight anyway, right?), I hit jump and held my breath.

After passing through a jumpgate, you’re cloaked for 30 seconds – anyone on the other side of the gate will know that you came through (because the gate goes all glowy), will know who you are (because you’ll appear in local), but won’t know what you’re flying, so it’s a good time to stop and take your bearings. My bearings included a whole more wrecks, and one battleship flashing an ominous red in my overview. Security status minus-something-drastic, huge bounty, bio a few paragraphs of evangelical atheism. O-kay then. Hey, maybe if he gets me I can talk him into a ransom by discussing theodicy! Or, er, not. Anyway, there’s only one of him, so that could be worse, maybe the gatecamp broke up and they’ve all just docked to pick up some sandwiches or something, I’m in a tiny ship that warps quickly and is tough to target, score! I warp to the station where my implant lies, shuttle still in one piece.

Dock. Check list of other pilots docked in station. Oh hey, pirates, there you all are! Plug in implant, pre-emptively say goodbye to 10 million isk, undock fully expecting them to have at least somebody watching the undock ramp, but nope, nothing. Warp to gate.

So here’s the thing: if you warp towards a gate, and you’re hitting the ‘jump’ button like crazy, you should be jumping as soon as you fall out warp, making you pretty near impossible to kill…

Unless the person trying to kill you has a smartbomb, which it turned out my flashy red friend did.

So, a short word about session timers. Session timers stop you doing stuff after stuff has been done to you, or after you, yourself, have done the kind of stuff to which a session timer might apply. You cannot dock immediately after undocking; you cannot switch to ship A immediately after docking in ship B; you cannot jump back through a gate immediately after jumping through it the first time. I’d like to say that I’d remembered this at the time, and that as my shuttle crumpled around me, I was thinking about that 30-second timer preventing me from jumping after my ship was destroyed. Instead I was thinking more along the lines of “!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!IMPLANT!!!!!!!!!”, but the session timer thing, that’s definitely the way it’s supposed to work. The session timer should have got me killed then and there.

However. It turns out that the session timer doesn’t kick in absolutely instantaneously. Close, but not absolutely. So if you’re manically hitting ‘jump’ like your life depends on it, that can kick in just before the timer, and… shuttle went boom, gate went zoom, and with a triumphant cry of “WHERE IS YOUR SAM HARRIS NOW?”, I’m back in Crielere, pod intact.

My alt is now docked up in high-sec once again, all kitted up with expensive implants, learning mining skills. I can’t help but think that after her first hour of life, mining’s going to be a bit of a letdown.


Passive-aggressive warfare

So right now, I am waiting in a station. I am waiting in a station in a rookie ship, the one the insurance company gives you when people blow up yours. Like, oh say, the pirates who just destroyed my frigate at a gatecamp. And who are now waiting for me outside the station. Because they did not get my pod.

It works like this: if your ship gets blown up, either by NPCs or by other players, you end up in a pod. If your pod gets blown up, you wake up back at your home station in a clone vat. This is annoying, because a) you have lost your ship and everything else it was fitted with or carrying; b) you have lost your expensive neural implants, which allow you to train skills faster, and which, unlike your ship, can’t be insured; and c) well, they shot you. I mean. Ouch, right?

In high-security space, anyone who shoots you gets almost-but-not-quite-instantly destroyed by CONCORD, the interstellar police force. In low-security space, anyone who shoots you next to a station or a stargate gets targeted by the sentry guns, which, if you’re in a tough enough ship, is really more of a slap on the wrist. (In null-security space, nobody cares who shoots who and you must go cry to an asteroid alone.)

Stargates are the most common places for gangs of pirates to lurk around waiting for unwary travellers, because immediately after coming through a stargate, you’re vulnerable. You have 30 seconds of being cloaked, which means they can see you’re in the system but not where you are or what you’re flying; after that, or as soon as you move or somebody or something gets close to you, the cloak is lifted. You can warp away, but to warp you need to align to the thing you’re warping to, and that takes more time than you usually have. You can jump back through the gate you came through, but you’re out of jump range and need to fly towards it, which also takes time in which you’re being shot at, and usually you’re being shot at a lot because they want your ship to go boom before you can get away.

Being in a small, fast ship means you have a much better chance of getting through a gatecamp intact. That’s how I got away from these people the first time – and then five minutes later, when two of them followed me. I suppose this must have been sort of annoying for them, because when we ended up running into each other half an hour later in a different system (the gods of EVE were against me tonight), they destroyed my ship in about 0.2 seconds.

But they did not get my pod. And pirates quite like to get your pod.

The pirates and me, we’re the only people in this system. They know I’m here, and that I’m flying something they could kill with a flyswatter; I know they’re here, and that they would very much like to destroy my pod and finish the job. But so long as I’m in the station, nobody can shoot anybody.

Mostly, the pirates have stayed in this system. One of them keeps dropping into the station, then out again. A little while ago, they all left and the system was empty except for me and another pilot, not in their corp and seemingly totally unconnected to them… which would have been totally convincing, if said pilot had not been flying with them back at the first gatecamp. I stayed in the station. Sure enough, the pirates all came back a few minutes later. But that was twenty minutes ago; since then, most of them have now drifted away, except for the two who destroyed my ship. Those two, they’re still waiting.

Honestly, I was tempted to log off and go to bed as soon as my pod rocketed to safety; it’s late, and I have some valuable cargo at another station that I need to move to a trade hub, and that’s better done at a time of day when the local systems are a little less pirate-infested. But, now that it’s become so very obvious that these two think we’re playing a waiting game, I just can’t quite bring myself to do it.

That isn’t to say that I intend to leave the station tonight, of course. I have absolutely no intention of leaving the station tonight. I’m still going to log off with my ship docked here… in a little while. Once I’ve brushed my teeth and unpacked the dishwasher and read a couple of chapters of my book.

The pirates are still waiting, you see. And it would be cruel to kill their hope now


A new EVE Online player comes to term with spreadsheets, spaceships and the steepest learning curve in MMO history. (SPACESHIPS, you guys!)


On Twitter

  • Okay, we still have a wormhole. Phew. 4 years ago
  • I don’t even know if we still have a wormhole. Do we still have a wormhole? 4 years ago
  • Been playing Skill Training Online for the past few months. Pregnant, sick, too sick even to watch station spinning, bah. 4 years ago
  • Away on a work trip for the next ten days. Passport, check… boarding pass, check… Torpedos V in skill queue, check… 4 years ago
  • That guy in the pod set me as contact with terrible standing as I warped off with his stuff, too. It’s ok, guy! It went to a good home! 4 years ago